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The Most Lovely of Virtues, Part 2

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I checked the car-seat buckle for the third time. Allison, our firstborn, was thirty-six hours old and about to come home from the hospital, and I was terrified at having a living and breathing human being depend on someone like me, who lacks so many basic life skills it’s not even funny.

I put her car seat in the exact middle of the back seat, then I placed rolled-up towels around Allison’s body, just in case. We lived less than three miles from the hospital, but that harrowing trip home took me almost twenty minutes to drive. No telling how slippery a completely dry road might be on a sunny spring day when your firstborn child is sleeping in the back seat.

This was my first child, and nothing was going to harm her.

Eventually I learned that kids aren’t quite as fragile as they first appear. But I’ll never forget the gentleness with which I treated our firstborn.

This is the same gentleness that Paul commands us to have toward others. He says that as apostles, living examples of the character of Christ, “We were gentle among you, like a mother tenderly nursing her own children” (1 Thessalonians 2:7).

Gentleness is about treating others spiritually like a first-time mom treats her baby physically.

Gentleness is so crucial to the Christian experience that one Puritan suggests it “may well be called the Christian spirit. It is the distinguishing disposition in the hearts of Christians to be identified as Christians. All who are truly godly and are real Disciples of Christ have a gentle spirit in them.”

What is the attitude of Christ that gives us this gentle spirit? How do we become gentle in a brutal world?

The Gentle Christian

The Bible is clear that those who call Christ their master will display the virtue of gentleness. Philippians 4:5 tells us, “Let your gentleness be evident to all.” Not to the deserving. Not to those we “like.” We’re to be gentle toward “all.”

Colossians 3:12 adds, “Clothe yourselves with . . . gentleness.” When you wake up in the morning, before you go out the door, don’t just put on your shirt and pants; put on the virtue of gentleness.

Paul is even more direct in 1 Timothy 6:11, telling us to “pursue” gentleness. The image of “pursuing” assumes gentleness may be elusive, at least for some of us. It may not come naturally. If we don’t aspire after it, we may never “catch” it.

Peter urged us to answer nonbelievers with “gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15-16). That means even the enemies of Christ, those who oppose Him and ridicule His followers, are to be treated with gentleness. In this, Peter suggests that gentleness is not a bonus we give to the deserving; it is a debt we owe to all.

Even fallen Christians can be won back by gentleness. Paul counsels in Galatians 6:1: “If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” Even though someone has brought shame on the name of Christ, we’re urged to maintain a gentle spirit.

Paul even goes so far as to urge us to treat with gentleness those who oppose us, saying, “Opponents must be gently instructed” (2 Timothy 2:25).

Gentleness is birthed in the recognition that Christian ministry isn’t about winning arguments; it’s about reconciling people to God and representing Christ to the world. Brutish force doesn’t reconcile, it divides; legalistic demands and ridicule don’t invite, they alienate. Grace and gentleness build bridges.

Since Paul urges Timothy to pursue gentleness, it must be possible to acquire this virtue in our own lives. Let’s look at how that might take place.

Becoming Gentle People

I was working on my car—always a frustrating experience for a mechanical klutz like me—and my youngest daughter, then still a toddler, was keeping me company. While I was under the car, Kelsey wandered over to my socket set and decided to see if she could open it up. Of course, it was upside down, and of course it was sitting on a sloped sidewalk. I heard a crash, a bunch of tinkling sounds, and a little girl uttering, “uh oh . . .”

I looked out from under the car and saw sixty-four round sockets rolling down the sidewalk.

“Oh, Kelsey,” I said.

I’m not a screamer. I didn’t yell or even raise my voice. But Kelsey was so sensitive at that age that just the tone of my voice was enough to shame her. She started to walk toward the house, but I called after her.

“Kelsey!”

She turned.

“You didn’t mean to do that. I’m not angry with you. It’s all right.” Kelsey broke down, ran back to me, and buried her weeping face in my shoulder. I was astonished at the intensity of her tears. “How is this girl going to survive in the world,” I thought, “if one carefully measured ‘Oh Kelsey’ sends her over the edge like this?”

But Kelsey’s response helps me be sensitive to how easily people in this world are wounded and how delicate are the souls we encounter every day. We often miss this because, on the exterior, everybody looks fine, but inside, many are bruised reeds just waiting to topple over (see last week’s blog post here The Most Lovely of all Virtues).

This led me to another observation. Too often we equate “gentleness” with “weakness” when in fact, the reverse is true. Letting loose with a tirade of anger is an act of weakness, not strength. When an adult holds a child’s hand, which one has to be most gentle? The adult, who is stronger. My kids could squeeze with all their might, but because they were weaker, they couldn’t hurt me. If I wasn’t careful, however, I might not realize I’m squeezing hard enough to hurt them.

The “spiritually strong” are the ones who need to exhibit gentleness and de-escalate situations that the spiritually weak can’t handle.

Gentleness is much more powerful than the human failings of temper, anger, and hatred. Anger has a place in the Christian life, as does confrontation. But gentleness has a far bigger role to play than anger, for gentleness means understanding human frailty. It’s a willingness to support, help, teach, and counsel with patience, until the other person becomes strong and mature. Gentleness also means the application of grace, and since grace is “unmerited favor,” the true definition of gentleness is the application of unmerited favor.

This means no one has to earn my gentleness.

How can we allow gentleness to cover us in trying situations?

Remember the Gentleness of Christ

The first step in becoming gentle is being overwhelmed by the gentleness with which God has treated us. I try to remind myself that I need to treat others like God has treated me. Gentleness doesn’t call us to ignore people’s failings—God doesn’t ignore ours—but it does call us to respond in a particular way. The difference is really in methodology—how sin and weakness is confronted and handled, not whether it will be handled.

We are completely undeserving, dead in our sins, still failing on a daily basis, yet God doesn’t write us off. He’s still there, still forgiving, still loving, still nurturing. Accept this gentleness for yourself. If you find this to be a difficult exercise, meditate on Matthew 11:28-30; 21:5, and 2 Corinthians 10:1. Let these passages feed your spirit and redirect your thinking so that you can understand the nature of the God who loves you.

Show Gentleness to Yourself

It is painful to hear people berating themselves for stupid things they did years ago. Maybe you did make a stupid business investment, but are we supposed to be born financially brilliant? Maybe you did fail sexually, but who among us has a perfect sexual past?

Sometimes people sin because they think they can fill a need, only to find that sin destroys and does not deliver what it promises. The spiritual life is one of learning and growing, and God, more than anyone else, understands this. Do we honestly think God expects us to go from eager pagan to Francis of Assisi in two weeks? This is not an apology for sin but merely a plea for a realistic view of living.

Even though some of my actions have brought shame on the name of Christ, gentleness calls me to apply unmerited favor, based on the death and resurrection of Jesus. If I do not learn how to be gentle with myself, I will find it difficult if not impossible to display gentleness with others.

Show Gentleness to Others

We can choose to live our life constantly disappointed with everyone around us, or we can be armed with the virtue of gentleness and enter into the blessing of authentic relationship. Let’s remind ourselves of some spiritual truths:

Nobody, apart from God, is perfect.

Your spouse will fail you.

Your children will disappoint you.

Your pastor won’t meet your expectations.

Your parents weren’t and aren’t perfect.

The time will come, therefore, when you will have a legitimate gripe. You will be right, and they will be wrong. This is the crossroads of gentleness. Which path will you take? Condemnation and censure, or the application of unmerited favor? Before you make that decision, remind yourself of how God has treated you.

Life is tough. It helps us to apply gentleness when we realize that people are being ground down all the time by the stuff of living. One time I took great offense when a woman I worked with snapped at me. I’d done nothing to provoke her. Later I learned that due to financial difficulties, she and her husband had recently lost their home, and it looked as if their car would be repossessed, too.

No, it wasn’t right for her to take her tension out on me, but I just happened to be there, and her stress was off the charts. As a Christian brother, I could absorb that frustration as a gift to her and to the gentle God who has treated me with unbelievable grace.

When a child comes home from school, seemingly bent on being deliberately difficult; when a spouse comes home from work and is being unfairly short-tempered; when a coworker snaps, I want to pause, pray, and consider: What is this all about? What is really going on here? And then, with self-control and grace, I pray I can respond gently.

Gentle living is blessed living. It’s soothing, refreshing, bathing people in the presence of Christ. No wonder it’s been called “the Christian spirit.” What else more accurately paints a picture of our Lord? What other virtue so radically gives us our life back from the harsh judgments and misdirected angers of the world?

This post is adapted from Gary’s newly released book The Glorious Pursuit: Becoming Who God Created Us to Be.

The post The Most Lovely of Virtues, Part 2 appeared first on Gary Thomas.


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